We feel enormous pressure to fit into a
culture that worships extroversion. More specifically, we feel pressure to be
outgoing busybodies with a packed social calendar. The desire to keep up
with the extrovert ideal drives introverts to say yes to all sorts of
things we hate.
What we risk by saying
no
We secretly believe that if we say
no, our life could start to unravel. We imagine saying no will lead
our coworkers to think we’re mean, lazy, or (gasp!) genuinely too
busy to do their job for them.
Our acquaintances will realize how unloveable and despicable we really are and create a
secret club that gathers weekly for the sole purpose of talking behind our
back.
Our chance at real success – the kind
that involves money, admiration, and endless attention on
Twitter – could be lost forever.
These are just a few of the irrational
fears that keep us from saying no to shit we hate. The truth is
that saying no to needless obligations frees up time and energy for more
worthwhile things. You know, like activities we actually enjoy, and benefit
from.
The most common no’s
for introverts
The things we secretly want to say no to
vary from one introvert to the next. Our list often includes social
obligations, such as happy hour with coworkers, or holiday parties. Perhaps, we’re dying to say no to
community obligations, like strata meetings, or fundraising efforts. Parents
might feel the urge to say no to heading up the next school bake
sale, or book drive.
Many of us desperately want to say
no to work opportunities that seem like a definite ‘should’,
but don’t align with our core values: “Sure, I’ll head up the company
fundraising campaign, even though I hate event planning, and I’m pretty sure
the charity we’re promoting is a sham.
No matter how strongly we want to say no
to something, sometimes we just can’t help it. We say a reluctant and
immediately regretted yes. Then we suffer the consequences.
Is saying yes driving
you insane?
Some of us are such yes people that we
actively seek out obligations we know will overwhelm us. Take my friend Emma,
for example. A while ago, Emma went through a chaotic period in her life. A
close family member had a serious illness, which meant she had to rearrange her
life to care for her. On top of this, she had a demanding full-time job, plus a
house and dog to tend to.
One day, while Emma and I were catching
up over lunch, a friend of hers, who owns a fitness studio, popped over to our
booth to say hello.
“How are things?” Emma asked her friend.
“My office girl just quit, so it’s been
crazy. I’m pretty much living at the studio, but you do what you gotta do.”
“You know, if you ever need help at the
studio, just call me,” said Emma. “Really, I’d be happy to come in and
volunteer for a few hours a week. My schedule is flexible, just let me know and
I’ll be there.”
As sincere and generous as Emma’s offer
was, I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the heck are you thinking?!” From my
point of view, Emma’s life looked like a tornado had run through it. The last
thing she needed were more obligations.
Sometimes, saying no is simply the
omission of yes. It’s keeping your pretty little mouth shut when you’re tempted
to volunteer your valuable time and energy for something you don’t actually
want to do.
Of course, It’s not always easy to
know if the activity in question is worthy of a yes. Like Emma, we might
genuinely want to help a friend in need. Most of us want to do the right thing.
We want to be good people, we really do. But where do we draw the line between
generosity and martyrdom? How do we know if we should say yes or no?
3 questions to
determine if it’s a yes or no:
Does it align with a bigger vision or
goal?
For example, if your main goal in life is to be the best writer you
can be, you’ll want to say yes to as many writing opportunities as possible.
Meanwhile, you might have to turn down activities that impede your creativity,
such as big networking events.
How does saying yes feel in your body?
If the thought
of doing an activity makes you feel heavy, and even queazy, it’s probably a no.
On the other hand, if it makes you feel light and excited, say yes, baby! (I
should note that some worthwhile activities are scary. If you’re unsure if that
queazy feeling stems from healthy fear, or unnecessary obligation, revert to
question #1 and explore in more detail.)
Who will this benefit?
You would think
that activities that benefit the most people should always be a yes. Not
exactly. You have to gain something too, my friend. The benefit for you could
be building confidence, reaching a goal, or gaining a skill that is important
to you. Let’s not forget that you can do something just for the pure enjoyment
of it. It’s also essential to remember …
You don’t have to please
everyone. Truly connecting with one person trumps mildly entertaining the
masses.
What about
obligations?
There are some things in life that we
absolutely cannot say no to. Parental obligations are a perfect example of
this. Some work commitments are right up there on the list, too. Here’s a tip:
If you are constantly saying yes to shit
you hate in one particular area of your life, consider making a major change.
If you hate every aspect of your job, it might be time for a career change. If
you hate everything about raising your family in the big city, maybe it’s time
to consider relocating.
Of course, such decisions can’t be taken
lightly. But they shouldn’t be ignored either. Saying yes to stuff we hate
takes its toll on introverts. It drains our precious introvert energy, and
makes life infinitely more sucky.
Life’s too short to say yes to
shit you hate.
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